Decibel (decibel45) wrote,

Where did all this juice come from?

Ok, I'd like everyone here who doesn't understand the proper operation of a dishwasher to raise your hand. And I know there's a lot of you out there. I have proof! But it's a bit of a long tale, so have a seat and grab a bowl of popcorn, some brussel sprouts, or a wayward insect (the latter is for the furry aliens and literate carnivorous plants in the audience).

The new cowhaus, as you might imagine, comes with a dishwasher as a standard option. Didn't even have to pay extra for dealer installation. It also came with option package WS3, which includes among other things, a kitchen sink. But not just any sink! This one includes a garbage disposal. This is important, for two reasons. First, it means not only can we drop things in the disposal and have the invigorating experience of attempting to retrieve them with our bare hands while praying that some freak malfunction doesn't occur and cause the unit to explode with our hands in it. Second, and this is possibly even more important than the first, it also means we get to have a dishwasher.

For those who haven't discovered the joys of studying under-sink plumbing, something that's always a blast at party's... "Hi Mary, how's you're plumbing?!", let me enlighten you as to the normal routing of dishwasher juices into your home's plumbing system. The juices flow through the garbage disposal. There's a specialized feature on every garbage disposal sold since 1928 called a "port for the intake of dishwasher juice". Without this port, you simply cannot have a dishwasher. Unless you get the kind that spits dishwasher juice into the sink, until the hose falls out of the sink, at which point it spits dishwasher juice all over the dog, the floor, and finally yourself as you attempt to wrestle the dishwasher hose back into the sink. I am not making this up. Sink-spitting dishwashers do exist, I've seen them. They're even more menacing than people using cell phones in medical facilities.

Now I know what you're thinking. If you have to have a garbage disposal to have a dishwasher, do you have to have a dishwasher to have a garbage disposal? And the answer to this insightful question is a resounding "Uhm, no, not really." You see, not only do garbage disposals come with a port for the intake of dishwasher juice, they also come with a "piece of metal you can bash out of the port for the intake of dishwasher juice that keeps garbage disposal goo from leaking out the port for the intake of dishwasher juice should a dishwasher not be attached". Those garbage disposal makers sure are some clever people. Either that or they couldn't figure out how to make a complete hole for the dishwasher juice port.

Now at this point you might be wondering how I know all of this. I can assure you it's not from careful study of plumbing. The last time I asked a woman how her plumbing was I got slapped, and I've since avoided plumbing at all costs. No, I know this because the people who lived here before didn't understand the proper operation of a dishwasher. You see, the dishwasher refused to relinquish it's dishwasher juice at the end of it's operating cycle. This isn't because dishwasher makers aren't as clever as garbage disposal makers and thought that it would be ok for the dishwasher to accumulate dishwasher juice until it exploded. No, dishwashers are designed to spit juice. They want to spit juice. So clearly something else was at play here.

After much study, my roommate (remember: I avoid plumbing) was able to ascertain that there was a dishwasher juice leak under the sink. Clearly the dishwasher was trying to expel it's load of juice.

Now I know those of you who are plumbing scholars, and possibly women who are touchy about plumbing, already know where this is headed. But bear with me as I bring everyone else up to speed.

Our garbage disposal still had it's piece of metal you can bash out of the port for the intake of dishwasher juice that keeps garbage disposal goo from leaking out the port for the intake of dishwasher juice should a dishwasher not be attached installed. Yes, no one had bashed it out! Clearly this indicates that the disposal wasn't installed by a guy, because they'll take any opportunity they can get to bash something. This is why you never want a male plumber to install a garbage disposal if you don't have a dishwasher... the cabinet under your sink will soon be packed solid with garbage disposal goo which has issued forth from the dishwasher juice port that was prematurely bashed out by your over-zealous male plumber.

But if you do have a dishwasher then you want a male plumber. Not just any male plumber, but one who's having a very bad day and hasn't been able to bash anything for at least the last 5 minutes. This is because you want that piece of metal well and truely bashed out of your garbage disposal's juice port. You don't want anything standing between the dishwasher juice and it's desire to mingle with the disposal goo. Yet this is something that the previous homeowners clearly weren't informed about, perhaps because they were too busy slapping anyone who asked about their plumbing. Whatever the reason, the dishwasher had a horrible time trying to expel it's load of juice. Some would dribble out into the cabinet under the sink, longing for some disposal goo to frolic in. But most of it simply hung out in the dishwasher. It even looked forlorn when you opened the dishwasher door at the end of the cycle, like a bunch of partiers who step outside to get more beer only to realize that the sun is rising.

Now, and this is the part that really confuses me, the former owners either never noticed the forlorn dishwasher juice congregating in the bottom of the dishwasher, or they thought it was normal (the congregation; dishwasher juice often looks rather forlorn). Anyone who's never even used a dishwasher would be able to tell you upon gazing at the juice in the bottom of the dishwasher that something just wasn't right. It's done it's job cleaning your dishes, now it should be happily frolicking with the disposal goo on it's way out of your domicile. Yet the previous owners failed to grasp this.

Fortunately, my roommate has never been traumatized over plumbing and was able to fix things so our dishwasher juice and disposal goo can now live happily ever after. As for those of you who don't know about proper dishwasher operation and juice spitting; keep your hands up. I'll be by to slap you soon.

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